Were You a Cradle Catholic or a Convert?
Cradle
How Old Were You When You Left the Catholic Church?
19 when I started attending sporadically
How Old Were You When You Returned to Catholicism?
43 when I started to return
Why I Left the Catholic Church
I was brought up and developed personally my beliefs until the age of 19. I then committed a sin which I knew in my heart was wrong, but I tried to justify it as I could not face going to Confession. Within a year I developed a binge-drinking problem. I drank alcoholically for a number of years and drifted in and out of the Church. I went into a treatment centre and had to face up to the reality of all of my behaviour, and I then felt I was not fit to attend Mass at all. I still went at Christmas and Easter because I could hide but felt I would be thrown out if I attended any other time.
Why I Returned to Catholicism
When my Mum died, the priest who came to see my brother and me was extremely kind. He even said a prayer with us, which meant so much to me. I knew he knew some of my history, but it did not seem to matter to him. I wanted to go to Mass on the Sunday and felt it was safe as he would not tell me to leave. When I went it felt as though God was giving me permission to return; it just felt as though I was in the right place. I had spent over nine years since stopping drinking knowing I was going to Hell and hoping that if I tried to live a good life God would be merciful enough simply to let me cease to exist when I died. I made the excuse over the years that I did not go because someone had moved away when my son was young because he made a noise, but the truth was I felt too bad about myself. When I returned home I started attending every Sunday, and even this felt like a privilege. After a year I plucked up the courage to go to Confession, and it was like a weight being lifted. I suddenly felt I had the right to attend more often. I started attending weekday Masses and reading anything I could. I never spoke to anyone, apart from a "Good Morning" type comment with three people. I felt everyone was simply tolerating my presence, but I developed a deep personal bond with Jesus. Although my son was baptised I had not brought him up a Catholic, and he started asking questions I could not answer. After nearly two years of attending Mass I plucked up the courage to go and ask the priest for advice on how to help my son. He was extremely kind and afterwards I had a panic attack and wrote him a long letter explaining exactly how "evil" I was and why he should not offer any help. From this he suggested I see him, and it was a turning point. I realised I did not have a big sign on my head saying "unclean"; it was in my mind. I must have had invisible barriers up because suddenly people started speaking to me. I was given suggested reading, invited to join a prayer group, and I started to see the relationship between the Church and Jesus which I had not understood. My faith is now the most important thing in the world to me; I arrange my life around getting to Mass most days. I can appreciate all the love that surrounds me from my family as well as from God. For ten years I have been being treated for depression and anxiety, and this has left me. I am on a journey and have a lot to learn, but I now have hope. God has been so good to me.
Advice
- Never feel anything you have done is too bad for God to be waiting for you with open arms. Don't be afraid of going to Confession.
- Don't make presumptions about other people. If they seem unwelcoming it could well be that you are giving out signals that you don't want anyone to talk to you.
- Read two books: This Tremendous Lover by M. Eugene Boylan, O.C.R., and Divine Mercy in My Soul: The Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska. Once you begin to realise God's Love and Mercy when He sent His Son to die for each of us no sin is too great.
- Don't hide away; find a priest you sense you can talk to and ask for help.
