Danielle Bean, the editorial director of Faith & Family magazine, has a great piece on the Washington Post's "On Faith" blog today. In "Newsflash to Jennifer Aniston: every child needs a dad," Danielle makes an observation that not so long ago would have been considered simply common sense: All else being equal, children who come from two-parent families have advantages over those who come from single-parent families.
Danielle's article was occasioned by a recent interview with Jennifer Aniston, who, in her latest film, "plays a woman who chooses to have a baby without a husband." Even though, in the end, Aniston's character marries the child's biological father, Aniston told People magazine that "Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don't have to settle with a man just to have that child."
Danielle rightly points out that such an attitude is part and parcel of our "cultural selfishness":
I would have liked to have thought that we would draw the line at making egocentric adult choices that hurt our kids -- entire generations of children, in fact. But so far, it appears that the selfishness of a "me generation" knows no bounds.
Children are not accessories, something to make a man or woman complete; in fact, as any parent learns very quickly, our chief duty as parents is to serve our children and to complete them. A woman's desire to have a child is natural; her desire to do it in such a way that she deliberately deprives her child of a father is not.
Nothing in Danielle's article criticizes those who find themselves as single parents against their will. Yet the reaction to her article from some readers was quite hostile, and quickly turned personal.
Danielle, you see, is a mother of eight, and for some readers, that disqualified her from stating the obvious truth that fathers "are fully one half of what every child needs for a healthy home life and an integral part of God's plan for future generations."
Most of Danielle's critics, of course, charge her with doing her part to overpopulate the earth and to deplete resources (never mind the fact that ten people can live much more efficiently in one house than one or two people can; ever heard of economies of scale?). But the most vehement objections resembled this one:
NEWSFLASH: The assertion that two people can raise 8 children better than a single woman can raise 1 is based in fantasy not reality.
Such a line could be written only by someone who has no personal experience of either single-parent or large families. In a single-parent household, everything falls on the back of one person. In a large family, such as Danielle's or mine (my wife and I have seven children), not only are there two adults to split the burden, but older children—including children as young as, say, five—contribute their fair share as well.
And in doing so, they learn valuable lessons about what it means to be a parent. They come to understand that life in a family entails service and sacrifice. They learn to appreciate the help and companionship offered by their siblings, and they don't spend their lives in a state of dependence, expecting one person to fill their every need.
Such experiences prepare them not only for parenthood but for marriage itself. By caring for their brothers and sisters, and seeing how their parents care for each other and for their children, they come to a proper understanding of marriage—not as a mere contract between two people who live and sleep together but otherwise live largely separate lives, but as a lifelong commitment to another person, who becomes "flesh of my flesh."
Is having eight children "the pinnacle of selfishness," as one of Danielle's critics declared, because they have to compete "with seven siblings for two parents' time"? Not at all. But such an attitude exhibits the same "cultural selfishness" found in Aniston's praise of voluntary single motherhood: a belief that it's "all about me."
It isn't, and the sooner we learn that, the better off we—and our children—will be.
As a single Mom and a ChristenI find your comments insulting to me and my son. Keep telling yourself that your way of life is the ONLY way and that you did your children a big favor by “letting” them help raise the other children. You SR. are like many people who still look down on children raised by single parents and believe thay can never be “as good” as those raised by two people. My Son grew up to be a kind, loving, outstanding man, looked up to by many, successful and the proud Father of three with two in college. Prejudice in any form is unhealthy and detrimental to society, and in the least UNCHRISTEN.
“Single Mom,” you misunderstand the point of my piece. I’m not criticizing single parents who find themselves in a very tough situation, nor do I look down upon the children of single parents. Danielle, however, is correct: All other things being equal, children who are brought up in two-parent families have advantages over those brought up in single-parent families.
I don’t know your situation; perhaps you deliberately chose to conceive your son outside of wedlock and to raise him without a father. But I doubt it, because most single mothers aren’t in that situation. They find themselves raising children on their own because their husbands have died or abandoned them or because they felt they had to leave their husbands for their safety and the safety of their children.
Such mothers have a hard row to hoe, and almost all of them realize it. They deserve our respect and support.
What Danielle was criticizing, however, is something quite different: the claim by Jennifer Aniston that fathers aren’t necessary. That’s very dangerous, and perhaps most so for a reason Danielle didn’t mention: It convinces men that it’s OK for them to abandon the children they father and the women they father them with.
Still, none of this is what prompted me to write my piece. I wrote it because of very nasty responses made by commenters to Danielle—comments that focused on the size of her family rather than the strength of her arguments.
Some of those comments argued that it would be better for a child to be the only child of a single mother than to be one of several children in a large family with two parents. I don’t believe that to be true, but that in no way diminishes the sacrifices that single mothers make.
“Prejudice” runs both ways. Those who would elevate single motherhood over the two-parent family, and declare that parents who choose to have multiple children are depriving them of the attention they deserve, are guilty of their own form of prejudice.
An excellent piece.
This is exactly right – I am also a Christian single parent with four children, and one of the things I worry most about is the idea that my children will begin to think of their situation as “normal” when, in fact, it is profoundly broken. For society to continue touting this notion that fathers are unnecessary has the potential to cause immeasurable harm to future generations as well: leading both to mothers who think they should be able to do it all, and fathers who think they don’t need to try.
I am saddened by the moral decay in this country. However, I am very supportive of Jennifer Aniston’s decision to have a child. What everyone is forgetting is that according to Canon Law, Mrs. Jennifer Pitt is still married. A court of law can not put aside what God has united. Mr. Pitt should be the father of his wife’s child, and we should all pray that he comes home to God and Christianity and ceases his adultry and return to his Christian wife. He will, of course, have to support his three biological children with his mistress, who has proven to the world she is an unfit mother and that others care for her children–so much for this two-parent family. Mom is ready for mental health intervention and Dad is miserable and still in love with his Christian wife. Mrs. Jennifer Pitt, I am sure would welcome her husband back home and work with him to resolve all issues of child care and support to bring up happy well-adjusted Christian children. Do not forget, Mr. Pitt was brought up in a solid Christian southern loving family and is now living in a chaotic environment that all his money cannot make right. His mother has said it all,
“Why don’t you just go back to Jen?”
I have a male friend that has a daughter out of wedlock. The mother denied his right to be a father. He had to fight to have his name added to the birth certificate. The only time he hears from the mother is when she wants to bring him to court for an increase in child support. The mother has said terrible things about him to their daughter in an attempt to make their daughter hate him. At 13 she started cutting herself and at 15 their daughter became pregnant. She has become very promiscuous, I believe because she’s trying to find the male role in her life that her father would have fulfilled if he were allowed to do so. His daughter is now trying to have a relationship with her father. I can tell by her behavior that she would be a much happier person if she were allowed to have her father in her life at a younger age.
Now that his daughter is a mother, his ex finally has a baby without a father since they don’t know who the father is. They put the babies grandmother’s name where the father’s name should be on the birth certificate and they are still trying to get as much money out of my friend to support this child as they can, even though this baby isn’t his.
As a child who grew up in a single-parent household I can attest to the point that “Single Mom” is trying to make, that there are a chosen few kids who do come out alright even without both parents. But I would never want for my kids to grow up with only one parent. It’s possible, but it’s not natural. If a person was meant to raise kids on their own, then I don’t think God would’ve made it necessary for a man and a woman to join together to conceive a child. Just as they conceived the child together, they should raise the child together.
Again, no disrespect to single mothers who for some reason or another were unable to continue the relationship with the father of their children. My parents were divorced before I was a year old, so I know how it is.
Scott, thanks for this article. Keep up the good work.
Even though I feel I am still ‘married’ to my ex husband, I divorced him because he was physically and mentally abusive to the children and emotionally and sexually abusive to me. I raised the children by myself, and now that they are grown, they see their father all the time, and have little or no time to see me. This has happened with MANY people I have talked to over the years. The parent who raised them is the one who is left out in the end. I have yet to see many families where the children are better off with both parents. They are more screwed up than that of single parent families, because there wasn’t the constant fighting among family members. Many people who stay together do so for the ’sake of the children’ but how much better off are future generations who abuse their children and spouses, because that’s how they were raised? Should women stay in an abusive marriage and just ‘deal with it’ because that’s what the husband thinks is right? Is THAT what submissive means?
I have yet to see many families where the children are better off with both parents.
Jeanne, you cannot seriously believe that. Even if you do, the studies that Danielle cites at length in her original article, and thousands of other such studies which I examined when I was an editor of The Family in America, prove otherwise.
What I think is selfish that they don’t adopt children who are in need of a family.
I glimpsed a magazine cover of the family of 19 who want to have more children. I hope they are considering adopting.
What I think is selfish that they don’t adopt children who are in need of a family.
Sheri, are you saying that, as long as there are children to adopt, no husband and wife should deliberately conceive a child? Because there is no rational reason to say, “No, it’s OK to conceive one or maybe even two children of your own, but if you want to have three or more, you should adopt, otherwise you’re selfish.”
Either it’s selfish to have children of your own when there are children to adopt, or it’s not. The selfishness of such an act cannot depend on the current size of your family.
So, are you willing to make that argument, Sheri?
I truly can’t believe we are having this discussion. We are questioning whether it’s best to have 2 parents and a large family vs. one parent and one child…. wow… I always thought that was a no brainer. No wonder our society has no values or morals anymore. Sad, so very sad.
I am also a single Christian mother of a 9 year old son, for which I would call it by my choice. My son’s father was never part of his life until he was 4 years old. For about 1 year my son endured falling in a lake and almost drowning, being punished by being thrown into a hot tub, being thrown in a pool because he should just know how to swim, becoming a babysitter for his 6 month half sister, being called stupid, and punished for his half sister rolling off the bed, and of course being excluded from meeting family members.
Many men are not mature enough to be a “dad” which could actually do more damage than good to the child or children.
As Christians my son and I know that God comes first, but my son comes second and I am raising him to be a honest, respecting and caring person.
Do not judge single mothers or anyone else for that matter. It does not matter how single mothers become single mothers. It takes a very unselfish person to raise children on their own. Judgement is for God and as Christians you should all know that.
It does not matter how single mothers become single mothers.
To the contrary, it very much does matter. Deliberately choosing to conceive a child with the intention of excluding his or her father from his or her life is deliberately choosing to handicap that child from the very beginning.
Danielle is exactly right: To do so is to put our desires above the needs of our children.
I don’t disagree that “Many men are not mature enough to be a ‘dad’” today, but the answer is not for women to decide to go out, conceive a child, and raise him or her on her own. Many women are not mature enough today to be a mother, either.
By what redeeming value is there anything important as to what Jennifer Anniston has to say about anything? She of the broken home and broken marriage. Next, we will be subject to the sage advice of Lindsay Lohan.
Anthony, I would imagine Danielle wrote her original article because of the sad fact that people listen to celebrities, even on moral issues, just because they are celebrities. Sometimes, such ideas receive so much play because of a person’s celebrity status that they need to be refuted, even though everyone should understand what is wrong with them.
How can we know that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby but not believe that it is right for that baby to have the experience of having a mother and a father? This does not disrespect single parents in any way, as I’m sure most of them are not choosing that life for themselves, as Scott stated.
Have we forgotten our Holy Family? If God didn’t think fathers were important, He could have made Mary a single mom. I understand that not every marriage works out and there are many issues that make it better to be apart sometimes, but if we start believing that men (or women) are replaceable or optional, what is that doing to the thread of our society? Are we headed to a place that will just pop out a bunch of test tube babies and create some robot nannies to raise them? Not my idea of a happy future.
I think quite a few single parents are offended by this article, but are missing the entire point.
Single parents: Did you set out to have a child and to specifically exclude the other biological parent from having a relationship with the child? NO! This article is NOT a judgement on single parents. It is a criticism of women who seek to have a child with zero involvement of the biological father.
A child is not a fashion accessory, and he/she does not exist to fulfil a need in a person. A child is a gift from God. A child comes into existence from the loving union between a man and a woman.
People become single parents because of a break-down in the relationship between the two parents. In this situation, and only in this situation is it better that the parents separate and one raises the children. I know of many cases where the man of the family has turned abusive, and it was a necessity for survival that the woman and children had to leave. It is far better to be from a broken home, than in a broken home.
That said, the IDEAL that would should uphold is that a father and a mother should be present in the child’s life.
My best friends and myself all come from homes where the father was absent. In the practice of our faith, we have promised each other that when any of us marry and have children that we will support each other so that we can function properly as loving husbands and fathers. If anything, we now have a greater resolve to take up the challenge of properly being good fathers to our future children.
People have silly ideas that if they have less children they can devote more attention to each individual and therefore they will raise better children. This is nonsense. It takes a village to raise a child. A child learns how to respect people by learning the difference between how one behaves towards their parents, their friends and their siblings. They learn that older siblings gain delegated authority from parents, and learn far better social skills. By deliberately choosing to have only one child, you deny them the opportunities to learn these things. In effect, you create an environment where that child is the centre of the world and is more likely to learn selfish behaviours, and will need greater instruction on these matters than children who grow up with multiple siblings.
depending on your children to raise your other children is selfish.
Katherine, no one said anything about “depending” on children to raise children. But it’s a fact of human existence that the older children in a family naturally pitch in. They want to, and it’s a good thing for them to do so, because it teaches them responsibility and helps them to mature as human beings.
Parents who try to do everything and thus deny older children of that experience do neither themselves nor their children a favor.
A comment from one corner of Africa. Any woman who, with a sound mind, who decides to have a child as her property – or should I call it a toy? – needs to tell us why God created Adam and Eve and why Jesus elevated marriage into a Sacrament of Matrimony. Let us not lie to ourselves. Children deserve to be brought up by their fathers and mothers unless situations, like those quoted above by the level-headed commentators, demand the parents to separate.
What a mentality today.(shaking my head) What ever happened to the traditional way of thinking? I believe both the mother and the father are to be in the picture, not one or the other is in or out! I also believe that the older children have a duty to teach the youner ones which can be a great help to the parents. All in the family makes it perfect: )
In all of this, this is why God’s wants us to be two united in love. My husband is my best friend. We have been married legally for nine years. Tomorrow we are doing our vows in the Catholic Church and having our two children baptized. Looking back at the lessons I have learned being brought up in Catholic school and the Church….I understand why it is so important to for us to be two people growing our children. They learn different things from each of us, they take on traits from each of us and become a person truly made from the two of us, from our love. Even though my husband is not Catholic, (he is Christian and we share many of the same beliefs) he respects and supports raising our children in the Catholic faith and in the Catholic school. I want them to live a daily life learning about God and how to treat others lovingly….as opposed to the public school system that has taken all God out of their lives in school (where they spend most of their time).
I think that single parents have it hard for sure. I know that it is not always by choice either. I never would choose that. I think that even though one parent can do the best that one parent can do…think of how lucky a child is to have two parents doing the best that they can do, individually and as partners. My Dad always says that it takes a village to raise a child….and in these days when people don’t even know their neighbors, it’s good to be a part of a church and school that help in growing our children in God’s love.
On large families….Older children helping with younger children and having chores and responsibilities….well, that is what it is to be a family…a large family teaches so much to each child, teaches selflessness, responsibility, organization, tolerance and acceptance and so much more.
I choose this life and faith for myself and my family. I try hard not to judge when something is different from what I believe…(human nature I think) because that is not up to me but to God.